You Had Me at Hell-NO!

You Had Me at Hell-No!

After coming home from work the other day, feeling like I needed a little disconnect between work and full-throttle mommy-mode, I kicked off the shoes, poured a glass of Chateau Frantically-Need-a-Small-Buzz (any year will do) and pushed the button to listen to my messages: “Hey Brenda!  This is Carrie Taylor, my son Gus attends Perfect Little Angels Pre-School with your son, Seth.  I’m calling to see if you’d be able to Chair this year’s Fall Festival.”  (Well, there goes my much needed intermezzo.)

I could tell by her tone and inflection, Miss Homemade-Cupcake-Baker-Mom had done this before; she takes a calculated pause before launching into Phase Two, The Hard Sell:  “No one has volunteered to get things going and if we don’t find someone, like this week, we’ll have to cancel everything.”  Another strategic pause follows, (making absolute certain Momma’s guilt switch is flipped, engaged and fully activated) she goes on, “Please call and let me know if you can help.”

Utter dread washed over me. As if I could actually stop the request mid-air, I dove towards the erase button, but I hesitated too long, allowing her time to step back, re-group and deliver a karate chop to my parental insecurities…”You did such a amazing job supervising the pony rides last year, (Gag!) I know you’d be great as the lead on this.  Please call me at….”  Damn, I’m thinking, she’s good!  If I ever decide to start my own high-end cutlery business and am in need of some sales people, I’m so calling this chick.

I grabbed my butter-oaky GFF, (Good friend, not Best Friend.  Jeez, I’m not an alcoholic!) whom I’d been shamelessly ignoring, plopped down on the sofa and listened to the two opposing voices in my head duke it out. After 15 minutes of sipping and stewing, I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. What happened next? I wish I could tell you I politely and most eloquently told her “Hell No! Find another Sucka!” but that’s not how it went down.   Suffice it to say, I’ll be at the Ponderosa next Tuesday night at 7:00 to meet with my committee.

I hate it when people try to guilt me into something, and I hate it even more when I let it happen. How is it I managed to, again, push aside my own needs and resentfully do what I really, really don’t want to do?

It’s too late for me to bow out of this one, but after I agreed to take on the job, I hung up, took a sip, (or was it a gulp?) and decided it was time for a change. I made a vow to myself, right then and there. Grabbed a spatula, climbed up on my kitchen chair and proclaimed out loud, (Props courtesy of Chateau Frantically-Need-a-Small-Buzz.) “I’m not gonna do what I don’t want to do, any more!  Not cow-towing to any more requests, no matter how good the cause. Saying No and being honest does not make me a bad person!”

So yes, I’ll be at the Ponderosa next Tuesday, but not as the women I was; I’m committed to fighting my Disease to Please. Here’s my strategy:

Start with the Twix Trick. You know the commercial where the guy says something offensive to the girl he’s hitting on, then realizes he’s said something he wishes he hadn’t, so he shoves a Twix candy bar in his mouth, giving him time to come-up with a better response?  Well, the next time someone asks you to do something and your little voice tells you not to, don’t knee-jerk, “Twix It,” buy some time and tell’um you’ll get back to them.

Sorry seems to be he hardest word. When Elton John wrote this song, back in the day, I know he wasn’t referring to women, cause we’ve pretty much got “I’m sorry” down-pat. Apologizing before you say “no” doesn’t ease disappointment or get your name on the Super-Nice-Person Wall of Fame; it just makes you sound weak and whiney!  If you haven’t done something wrong, opstay apologizingway!

Next time someone asks you to help out or volunteer, tell them you’ll call them later with an answer and when you do call…1) say no, (you need the practice) and 2) resist the urge to preface your answer with a sappy sorry.

Oh, sorry, I hope I didn’t offend anyone who may be reading this.  Wow, did I just apologize?

(Ah well…Two steps forward one step back.)

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