Avoiding Me

A cumulative rush of nerves and fear are rushing through me right now as I stare down at my laptop.  At this moment, I’m afraid of my computer.  It’s weird, I remember having this exact feeling before; it’s the same damn combination of adrenalin and dread I got when I walked into my dentist’s office as a little girl, (I had 6 root canals by the age of 12, swear) opening the door to the waiting room and taking my first whiff of that intense, 1960’s-universal-dentist-office-smell.  A blend of Novocain, antiseptics and tooth-filling-fillers?  I have no idea. All I know is that I hated that smell because it was the precursor to certain pain. Weird how an unpleasant aroma and a computer can evoke the same feelings of trepidation in me. Right now, looking down at my keyboard brings me back to that smell, that office, that feeling. Lump in my throat, heart pounding.

 

Difference is, today, I’m not sporting knee socks, anything plaid or 1-inch bangs. But I’m just as scared.  I tell myself that, like a root canal, there’s no way around what must be done. Nope, can’t ignore a toothache forever, any more then I can deny what makes me a more authentic version (Sorry Oprah, may I borrow?) of who I am.  So today’s the day I face my fears, breathe in the scary fumes of I don’t want to! Today, I stop making excuses for not doing what is equally as hard as it is gratifying, blaming my year and a half complacency on tough times and my husband’s on-going, poor health.  So here goes. (Deep breathe) Today I will, once again, write….something.

Anything.

Hummmm….wait a minute.

I guess I just did what I was so afraid to do.

Well then.  Good for me.

I’ve overcome inertia.

Tomorrow’s attempt is bound to be easier

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